I don't want to live, but I don't want to die - What you can do about it.

I don't want to live, but I don't want to die - What you can do about it.

Many times in my life, I have thought about suicide. I would get up in the morning, feeling depressed and anxious, and go to a job that I didn't like to make money to support myself in continuing to be able to wake up feeling depressed and anxious and not derive any satisfaction or pleasure from my life. 

There have been many times I have pondered the question, “What is the point to life?” And “What is the purpose of my existence?” It felt like I was incapable of experiencing positive emotions often or for more than a few minutes at a time. For five years in my early 20’s, I would go to bed and hope that I wouldn’t wake up. Many years later, I went as far as arranging my affairs and trying to decide on a date. I couldn’t remember when I hadn’t felt depressed. I had no idea how extreme the anxiety I felt was until I began healing.

Calling a suicide hotline never felt like an answer to me.  There was a part of me that, when I allowed it to, could come up with these really incredible dreams about what my life could be like if I knew how to get from “I want to die” to “I love my life!” Realistically, how likely is it that a free suicide hotline could advise me about the steps that I would need to take to get from where I was to where I wanted to be? Is there anybody out there who would know what the solution was? How likely is it that I could find them? I don’t even know what to search. Would searching “how to kill yourself” or “I want to fucking kill myself” lead me to an understanding of how to approach any other choice than just putting an end to it? Something inside me said that there had to be a way to feel like there is some kind of point to living, too. Which really only made me feel more desperate and helpless.

What took me far too long to discover was that I had cPTSD, or complex PTSD from  childhood abuse so appalling that I don’t talk about it. Who would believe what it was like growing up with two mentally ill and abusive parents? Who would believe what they did to me? Accessing and processing all of my stored trauma as an adult resulted in mild leg tremors to full body, violent tremoring and dissociation. I am telling you this to prevent you from thinking, “Oh, well she didn’t have it as bad as I did” and stopping here. Of all the people I have worked with, only one person’s experience was more extreme. 

I have overcome feelings of despair, futility, hopelessness, helplessness, shame, and worthlessness, to name just the most pervasive feelings that made me feel like life just really wasn’t worth living. Traumas, traumas, and experiences cannot be compared objectively. Capital T and small t because no matter how “big” it was compared to others’ stories, some experiences were too extreme for a child’s body and lack of adult wisdom and understanding to be able to process. And until we process that event, or those events, we will continue to be affected by them.

I want to tell you that no matter what you experienced in your lifetime that has you researching how to kill yourself, there is hope. It can get better. You can actually feel good. Did you dismiss that? What if it were possible? And what if there was someone out there, who wrote this to you, and somehow you found it, and they can tell you what actually DOES work?

I will never forget my first experience of joy, because I didn’t think that was something that was possible for me. You can find out what it is like to enjoy your life. Or get back there if you did enjoy it but something happened, and you just can’t anymore. Thankfully, my extreme dissatisfaction with my career led me to train in Rapid Transformational Therapy, and I discovered how incredibly powerful hypnosis is as a tool for discovering the reason why you feel so horrible, and what needs to be addressed. I then discovered and trained in an incredible technique called Emotional Resolution, that helps to resolve the emotions that cause depression and anxiety as well as other emotions and emotional patterns.

We know so much more about trauma and how to heal it than we used to. There are so many modalities available that didn’t exist even 10 years ago. I’m not saying that if you have been feeling like you don’t have any other option than to die that you necessarily experienced abuse or trauma. Things happen to every child that they take to mean the wrong thing about them and form beliefs that will hold them back until they uncover those beliefs that unconsciously run their life and control what they can and cannot do.

Through a combination of hypnosis and Emotional Resolution, it is absolutely possible to identify exactly what is causing you to feel like ending your life is the only solution and change that. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your difficulties can be resolved. If you, too, dream of a life that feels good but don’t know how to make that happen, I do.

If you would like to learn more, book a free discovery call with me here: https://live.vcita.com/site/zrqyoh5xy7rwlad0

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